Sometimes I think if I owned a gun, I'd be dead already. It seems to be a convenient tool for such a task. There are so many times in my life where I can recall thinking it'd be better just to slip away in my sleep. One of those times is tonight. There's that familiar feel of pointlessness combined with an overwhelming doubt that things will change - or doubt that I'll be strong enough to change it. I'm not low enough to actually kill myself, but not high enough to see the better side to things either. There's a form of purgatory that rests thinly between those two states of mind. Thin... But hardly a delicate position. Rather, this thin sheet between two forms of productivity (if suicide can be classed as such) seems to be the hardest to get out of.
I have detailed plans for the near future. My Grandmother suggested I was unhappy to my mother a few days ago, stating that I "had so many dreams". Noting the particular emphasis on 'had'.
The problem isn't that my dreams have fallen apart - far from it. The problem is, I don't want to miss out of something here; the people I care about - how few there are. It's difficult to care about people. If you end up caring for the wrong people, you're in some trouble.
There's one person I care about and I can't decide whether they're one of these 'wrong' people or not. I suppose, if I looked at it as logically and as honestly as I should, I'd conclude that they're definitely the wrong sort of person to care about. Given the choice, I'd probably still choose to care about them. I don't see myself as cursed. But do the ignorant see themselves as ignorant? Apparently not. So what do we call this? Self destruction? Like many habits; alcohol, drugs, sleep deprivation... All are self destructive for the most part. Yet, the majority still have these habits. Not only do they have them, they enjoy them.
Thinking about emotional and physical self destruction has brought to mind a type of person. A type that's something of a rarity. There are in this world people who enjoy the substances that are physically bad for them such as the things I mentioned above. There are a minority, however, who avoid such substances. This minority gets their daily portions of fruit and veg as well as their recommended amount of exercise per day. This would be a counter example case to the 'self-destructive' view of the human race that I implied above. Consider this common habit:
An overwhelming majority of people enjoy films, books and music. A lesser majority of film/book/music fanatics like examples of said entertainment which will make them feel a certain way - a lot of the time, in a typically 'negative' way. There are sad films, yet people still see them - knowing it'll make them feel upset. The same goes for books and music. Similarly, there are horrors which make people feel scared. People like being made to feel sad or scared.
Thus, the true rarity of the human race is the person who avoids all the negativity - physically and emotionally speaking.
What does this say about people? Do we favour self destruction over self improvement? A lot of people dream of self improvement - better bodies, better hair, better looks, better clothes... But do we actually actively seek these things? Very rarely. Why? Is the reward not worth the struggle? For many, I doubt it is. If that's the case, stop reaching for societies fruitless ideals and embrace what you really want to do in life.
Is this why I'd rather watch the person I care about through the glass - as hurtful as it may be - rather than travel and achieve? Do I favour heartbreak over success? Would I rather feel than to mindlessly do what's expected of me? What do I want?
- Bill John Maxwell
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