This blog writing thing is become somewhat obsessive. Not that it shows. I must sit and stare at an essay I've written for at least an hour before deciding what to do with it. 90% of them just get deleted. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the lack of point to these posts. I don't write them for recognition, I don't have many fans or follows... I think I mentioned on a previous entry that this is sort of a release. I'm not sure about that any more. I'm not releasing anything here. It's more like I'm killing the time I think about these things actively at a screen with a keyboard, rather than just passively 'feeling' it.
So, as usual, there's a girl as I've mentioned before. I think she has other interests though. Not sure how I feel about that. Disappointment? I don't think so. I'm not sure that it's possible to be truly disappointed when you didn't expect anything to begin with. Was there a deep sense of hope buried in my sub-conscious? Maybe. But exploring and acknowledging it would mean proving and acknowledging that I'm more of an idiot than I initially thought.
It's the call of a hopeless romantic, and the mark of a person unjustly lacking contentedness; I don't want all of my feelings to be unrequited. Lately, this has been the case and I have no idea what to do about it. It seems as if people I like are completely indifferent - or else they see me as temporary until something better comes along. It's as if I have so much I want to give but there's no one I can give it to.
A lot of people use comforting statements like "the right person might be around the corner". Have these people actually looked at this world with their eyes open? The majority of people live and die alone.
I wouldn't get into a relationship for the sake of a relationship. The person/people I have mentioned on this blog are people I could fall for. The person I mentioned in this blog, I could fall for in an instant, if I just let go of this rock in the middle of the ocean - the rock called rationality. It's like I'm holding on so consciously with my finger nails. It's like I have to concentrate so hard all of the time to stop myself falling for these people. It's exhausting. If I felt safe, I would just let go. Hopefully, one day soon, there'll be that sense of security sufficient for me to risk it.
