This is me

This is me. I change things about my physical appearance every month or so. I can be very lazy. I get drunk way too much. Most people think I'm someone I'm not. Usually, I wish everyone would see me as someone I'm not. I get bored with life easily. I'm always fearful, although I don't know what about. I love music, although I'm afraid to express myself musically. I over analyse. I sometimes don't get out of bed until 4pm. I sometimes don't sleep. I eat out more than I eat home meals. I rarely get ill. I'm self-conscious. I love expensive vanilla fudge. I think religion and any type of spiritualism are a waste of time and effort. My room is usually a complete mess. I'm existential. I feel like I can't repay other people's kind acts. I never know what to get people for birthdays/Christmas. I'm extremely emotional, although I don't show it. I get attached to people too quickly for my own good. I'm destructive. I leave most things unfinished. I never feel like I have anything interesting to say. I would say that I have very few friends. I like attention. I like those rare times when you can just be with someone you really like.

Honesty

My main problem with my knowledge of people, I've learned, is deeply connected with my desires. That is to say, I mentally blur the right answer in with the wrong answers when I am emotionally involved. I'll convince myself that the wrong answer is the right one, and dismiss the details which, in any regular situation, would lead me to prefer the answer that the details favour.

After re-evaluating my sense of reason and judgement worryingly recently, I've found that this detail of emotional involvement was over-looked. Usually, there's no emotional involvement in knowing something other than the passion for knowledge itself. So, do I avoid making judgements in these unusual circumstances? Or do I re-evaluate and carry on? Something tells me that, no matter what is more sensible, I'll more than likely just carry on in the hope that I'm better prepared in future.


I've also decided to stay out of trouble for a while. It's time for some personal development rather than focusing on others as much as I have been. I've set myself some tasks to keep me entertained
- Learn to Lucid Dream properly
- Finish TEFL (necessity, but it makes the list look longer)
- Read the entire works of Plato (rather than scanning it because it's too long and having the secure knowledge that no one else has read them anyway)
Hopefully, by the time I've finished this phase, I'll safely be able to walk around the island thinking I'm the brain of the island... I also want a tattoo.

3am

I have no idea what's up with my attitude recently. After being thoroughly out-witted, I've become increasingly obsessed with knowing what a person is thinking or where they've been and what they've done. I've become much more observant than I already am (friends will tell you that I'm extremely observant since I have this game in which I analyse my surroundings and determine my chances of survival if any given disaster was to happen.)

I've also starting doing things just to see what the outcome will be. I have to hold myself back sometimes. Today, I wondered what it'd be like if, instead of getting off a bus at my stop, I just carried on until the bus had finished it's route. In the end I did get off at my stop, but narrowly avoided actually going through with it. I've also considered (for about a week now) simply not going into work. Not because I'm bored or lazy, but just to see what would happen. Another example; I just sent someone an anonymous message just to see if they could work out who it is. I don't really know why.


I'm not feeling particularly emotionally strong recently either. I suppose I haven't done in about three months. My close friends know about the significant people who have played their part in those three months. It seems to be one significant other after another - which draws into question their significance. Do I fall for people this easily? Or do I simply find comfort in having someone like that? I think in most cases, it's the latter. However, there's one person who persistently plays on my mind. Just like my ex, perhaps I just need time to get over it.