I want to let it all out but I can't cry. I'm fed up of being logical about this. I've fallen for someone who isn't interested. I need to get out of  here. The sooner the better. I have the means, but not the strength.

This is me

This is me. I change things about my physical appearance every month or so. I can be very lazy. I get drunk way too much. Most people think I'm someone I'm not. Usually, I wish everyone would see me as someone I'm not. I get bored with life easily. I'm always fearful, although I don't know what about. I love music, although I'm afraid to express myself musically. I over analyse. I sometimes don't get out of bed until 4pm. I sometimes don't sleep. I eat out more than I eat home meals. I rarely get ill. I'm self-conscious. I love expensive vanilla fudge. I think religion and any type of spiritualism are a waste of time and effort. My room is usually a complete mess. I'm existential. I feel like I can't repay other people's kind acts. I never know what to get people for birthdays/Christmas. I'm extremely emotional, although I don't show it. I get attached to people too quickly for my own good. I'm destructive. I leave most things unfinished. I never feel like I have anything interesting to say. I would say that I have very few friends. I like attention. I like those rare times when you can just be with someone you really like.

Honesty

My main problem with my knowledge of people, I've learned, is deeply connected with my desires. That is to say, I mentally blur the right answer in with the wrong answers when I am emotionally involved. I'll convince myself that the wrong answer is the right one, and dismiss the details which, in any regular situation, would lead me to prefer the answer that the details favour.

After re-evaluating my sense of reason and judgement worryingly recently, I've found that this detail of emotional involvement was over-looked. Usually, there's no emotional involvement in knowing something other than the passion for knowledge itself. So, do I avoid making judgements in these unusual circumstances? Or do I re-evaluate and carry on? Something tells me that, no matter what is more sensible, I'll more than likely just carry on in the hope that I'm better prepared in future.


I've also decided to stay out of trouble for a while. It's time for some personal development rather than focusing on others as much as I have been. I've set myself some tasks to keep me entertained
- Learn to Lucid Dream properly
- Finish TEFL (necessity, but it makes the list look longer)
- Read the entire works of Plato (rather than scanning it because it's too long and having the secure knowledge that no one else has read them anyway)
Hopefully, by the time I've finished this phase, I'll safely be able to walk around the island thinking I'm the brain of the island... I also want a tattoo.

3am

I have no idea what's up with my attitude recently. After being thoroughly out-witted, I've become increasingly obsessed with knowing what a person is thinking or where they've been and what they've done. I've become much more observant than I already am (friends will tell you that I'm extremely observant since I have this game in which I analyse my surroundings and determine my chances of survival if any given disaster was to happen.)

I've also starting doing things just to see what the outcome will be. I have to hold myself back sometimes. Today, I wondered what it'd be like if, instead of getting off a bus at my stop, I just carried on until the bus had finished it's route. In the end I did get off at my stop, but narrowly avoided actually going through with it. I've also considered (for about a week now) simply not going into work. Not because I'm bored or lazy, but just to see what would happen. Another example; I just sent someone an anonymous message just to see if they could work out who it is. I don't really know why.


I'm not feeling particularly emotionally strong recently either. I suppose I haven't done in about three months. My close friends know about the significant people who have played their part in those three months. It seems to be one significant other after another - which draws into question their significance. Do I fall for people this easily? Or do I simply find comfort in having someone like that? I think in most cases, it's the latter. However, there's one person who persistently plays on my mind. Just like my ex, perhaps I just need time to get over it.

The Impracticality of Prayer

I'm not exactly religion's number one fan at the best of times. The problem with the religious community is it's inability to keep it's huge nose out of other people's business and it's inability to find a clamp big enough to keep it's ignorant trap shut. 


Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to argue with anyone's fundamental beliefs. I am here to criticise the implications of those beliefs. There's one thing that's started to irritate me lately. I'll simply copy and paste an example of what that thing is:

PRAYERS & KIND THOUGHTS REQUESTED: May I ask a personal favor.... and this is REALLY personal for my family right now....only some of you will do it, and I know who you possibly are, if you know someone who fought a battle with cancer and passed away, or someone who is still fighting... please add this to your status for 1 hour as a mark of respect and remembrance I hope I was right about the people who will do it. re-post for a friend. "LORD, HEAR OUR PRAYER.

Instead of praying or 'showing respect', why not get off your ass and become part of the solution? Posting this sort of thing doesn't make you look good and caring. Donating money to cancer research or your local hospice makes you look good and caring. However, the people who genuinely care don't advertise it on a pathetic little Facebook status. The people who genuinely care don't sit and hope things will get better, they get out there and fight the war against these illnesses.

I've read about countless disasters in which someone is believed to be fatally injured or is given a minimal chance of survival. That person is then operated on or rescued by professionals and, against the odds, is saved. It's always wonderful to see a story like that. It's nice to see that when the odds look grim, the professionals give it their best shot and sometimes succeed.
However. Then the parents or that very individual turns around and says "It's a miracle! I have God to thank for being alive today!",

WRONG. You have educated health-care professionals, surgeons, fire-fighters, ambulance drivers, etc to thank for your survival. These people dedicate their lives to saving lives and yet some fairy-tale in the sky gets all the praise. It's pretty disgusting. Surely if God wanted to save you, you'd have never needed saving in the first place? You know. He's all knowing, all powerful and all good. Whatever. It makes no shitting sense.

Why I reject the title 'Philosopher'

I thought that I'd write a short piece about the only real academic passion I've ever had, and why I'd like to comfortably distance myself from it. There is a book written by Simon Blackburn called 'Think' and it's aimed at introducing people to the subject Philosophy - whether they be students or just people interested in or curious about the subject. 

Here's a quote from his introduction: "the word 'philosophy' carries unfortunate connotations: impractical, unworldly, weird. I suspect that all philosophers and philosophy students share that moment of silent embarrassment when someone innocently asks us what we do".
I can only really speak for myself, but Blackburn does hit the nail on the head when he talks of silent embarrassment. Whenever my interest in Philosophy is acknowledged, half the room asks me what philosophy is and the other half assume it's some kind of spiritual nonsense involving maxims about how to live a stoic-like lifestyle.

Admittedly, the subject matter of Philosophy does include that of the ancient Greeks - for example, Plato's other-worldly Forms. It also includes the theological writings of the religious philosophers such as St. Thomas Aquinas. However, Philosophy has evolved since those days. While these ideas are acknowledged in Philosophy courses, that cover the whole spectrum of Philosophy, they aren't immune to modern ideas and criticism.  Modern philosophers generally reject these ideas.


(Picture to the left: this is Plato and Aristotle. Plato, the older man points towards the sky, representing his theory of the forms and his idea that only reason can reveal true knowledge - indeed the forms. Aristotle, by contrast,  gestures to the Earth which represents his idea that knowledge is to be found in the observable, physical world through empirical means)


Modern Philosophers aren't interested in nonsense ideas about other-worldly entities. They see philosophy as the creator of science which acts/works with science rather than against it. The critical mind of the philosopher is extremely important for keeping science in check with the scientific method.

So when I explain that I'm into philosophy, this is what I mean. I think critically and rationally. I don't introduce random, groundless other-worldly entities and I'm not arrogant enough to give 'rules' for living a 'good' life. Somehow I think that if everyone thought more like a philosopher, the world wouldn't be in such a mess.

Birthday post

So yesterday was my birthday. I hit the big two-zero. I went for breakfast with Fred - full English at Phil's Diner. Great place. Check it out. Then Fred and I went shopping. That was until about 4pm. We ran into some others in town. They tried to organise a surprise but failed because I'm a genius.

Here is a picture of all the gifts I received as well as what I bought for myself. The brown bag in the centre is something I picked up for myself. It cost me about £14. Above that is 11.22.63 by Stephen King. I've only read 5-6 chapters in but it's fantastic. It's looking to be a really good read. Also the brown book that is touching the top right of the brown bag is a travel journal. I thought it was relevant.

The book next to Stephen King is a book called 'Sofies verden' or 'Sophie's World'. It's a popular book that takes you through some basics in Philosophy. I've never read it but the fact that it's in Norwegian makes it a bit more difficult. However, hopefully that'll help me learn. Thanks to Fred for that one (as well as the fake lottery ticket... You'll need to do better than that to fool me).
Next to 'Sophies verden' there's a big black book which was made for me. I have Jasmine to thank for that.
Bottom right, we have a wash bag from my brother's lot. Top left is chocolate from Rob. To the far left we have two cards which were made. The Nintendo themed one is from my mother. The other is from Hannah. Cheers everyone. Everyone else who got me something, got me cash. Good shout.

So yeah, I'm 20. I've come far from being a crazy-haired party maniac. I'm now a slightly-more-tamed-haired party maniac. My desire to drink and make a prat of myself hasn't faded from the transition from 19 to 20. Unfortunately for some and fortunately for others, I'll still act like a teenager. Cue pictures.