I don't fucking know what to call it

This blog writing thing is become somewhat obsessive. Not that it shows. I must sit and stare at an essay I've written for at least an hour before deciding what to do with it. 90% of them just get deleted. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the lack of point to these posts. I don't write them for recognition, I don't have many fans or follows... I think I mentioned on a previous entry that this is sort of a release. I'm not sure about that any more. I'm not releasing anything here. It's more like I'm killing the time I think about these things actively at a screen with a keyboard, rather than just passively 'feeling' it.

So, as usual, there's a girl as I've mentioned before. I think she has other interests though. Not sure how I feel about that. Disappointment? I don't think so. I'm not sure that it's possible to be truly disappointed when you didn't expect anything to begin with. Was there a deep sense of hope buried in my sub-conscious? Maybe. But exploring and acknowledging it would mean proving and acknowledging that I'm more of an idiot than I initially thought.

It's the call of a hopeless romantic, and the mark of a person unjustly lacking contentedness; I don't want all of my feelings to be unrequited. Lately, this has been the case and I have no idea what to do about it. It seems as if people I like are completely indifferent - or else they see me as temporary until something better comes along.  It's as if I have so much I want to give but there's no one I can give it to.
A lot of people use comforting statements like "the right person might be around the corner". Have these people actually looked at this world with their eyes open? The majority of people live and die alone.
I wouldn't get into a relationship for the sake of a relationship. The person/people I have mentioned on this blog are people I could fall for. The person I mentioned in this blog, I could fall for in an instant, if I just let go of this rock in the middle of the ocean - the rock called rationality. It's like I'm holding on so consciously with my finger nails. It's like I have to concentrate so hard all of the time to stop myself falling for these people. It's exhausting. If I felt safe, I would just let go. Hopefully, one day soon, there'll be that sense of security sufficient for me to risk it.

Social Struggle Between Sleeps

I can't stop thinking about this girl. Usually, people would take this as an 'aww' moment and perhaps even suggest that the speaker is in love or has a crush as though it's a matter of quiet celebration. But no. In fact, I've already depressed myself about it.

I only met her fairly recently and I was, at the time, very conscious of her presence. I didn't actively seek to speak to her, and I dismissed this occasion, deciding that I'd never see her again. I doubt this says much for my confidence. However, as a matter of pure luck (is luck the right word? Perhaps 'chance' is better) I have run into her a fair few times since our first meeting.

I barely know what to say to anyone these days. My life consists of a social struggle between sleeps. I wouldn't say I'm awkward. But at the same time, I wouldn't say I have anything interesting to say to anyone. My social situations consist of me 'acting'. I 'act' interested and I act like I'm in a very casual situation when, in reality, I'm not.
However, conversation with this girl seems to fall apart. I have no real clue what to say and I can't even act like I'm interesting. I've often caught her eye and I realise, in that moment, that I must have a look of pure blankness on my face as though I have the intellectual ability or stance of a rabbit caught in headlights.

The scenario that I initially imagined - namely that I would never see her again - was one that I perhaps would not have been satisfied with, but it was one that I could immediately cope with and forget about. The repeated meetings by chance have started filling me with a kind of hope that can only be described, by any realist, as foolish. I decided to write this post (aside from it being a certain kind of release) because about an hour ago I caught myself day-dreaming about what a relationship with this girl would be like. As soon as reality hit me hard enough to wake me from this little fantasy, I was immediately struck by the hopelessness of it all.

This, reader/s, is the latest development in my life. And I'm certain that it's not one that I'll cherish for years to come. To the obvious question "why not ask her out?" - I wouldn't want to suffer the embarrassment.

To Care, Desire and to Die

Sometimes I think if I owned a gun, I'd be dead already. It seems to be a convenient tool for such a task. There are so many times in my life where I can recall thinking it'd be better just to slip away in my sleep. One of those times is tonight. There's that familiar feel of pointlessness combined with an overwhelming doubt that things will change - or doubt that I'll be strong enough to change it. I'm not low enough to actually kill myself, but not high enough to see the better side to things either. There's a form of purgatory that rests thinly between those two states of mind. Thin... But hardly a delicate position. Rather, this thin sheet between two forms of productivity (if suicide can be classed as such) seems to be the hardest to get out of.

I have detailed plans for the near future. My Grandmother suggested I was unhappy to my mother a few days ago, stating that I "had so many dreams". Noting the particular emphasis on 'had'.
The problem isn't that my dreams have fallen apart - far from it. The problem is, I don't want to miss out of something here; the people I care about - how few there are. It's difficult to care about people. If you end up caring for the wrong people, you're in some trouble.
There's one person I care about and I can't decide whether they're one of these 'wrong' people or not. I suppose, if I looked at it as logically and as honestly as I should, I'd conclude that they're definitely the wrong sort of person to care about. Given the choice, I'd probably still choose to care about them. I don't see myself as cursed. But do the ignorant see themselves as ignorant? Apparently not. So what do we call this? Self destruction? Like many habits; alcohol, drugs, sleep deprivation... All are self destructive for the most part. Yet, the majority still have these habits. Not only do they have them, they enjoy them.

Thinking about emotional and physical self destruction has brought to mind a type of person. A type that's something of a rarity. There are in this world people who enjoy the substances that are physically bad for them such as the things I mentioned above. There are a minority, however, who avoid such substances. This minority gets their daily portions of fruit and veg as well as their recommended amount of exercise per day. This would be a counter example case to the 'self-destructive' view of the human race that I implied above. Consider this common habit:
An overwhelming majority of people enjoy films, books and music. A lesser majority of film/book/music fanatics like examples of said entertainment which will make them feel a certain way - a lot of the time, in a typically 'negative' way. There are sad films, yet people still see them - knowing it'll make them feel upset. The same goes for books and music. Similarly, there are horrors which make people feel scared. People like being made to feel sad or scared.
Thus, the true rarity of the human race is the person who avoids all the negativity - physically and emotionally speaking.

What does this say about people? Do we favour self destruction over self improvement? A lot of people dream of self improvement - better bodies, better hair, better looks, better clothes... But do we actually actively seek these things? Very rarely. Why? Is the reward not worth the struggle? For many, I doubt it is. If that's the case, stop reaching for societies fruitless ideals and embrace what you really want to do in life.

Is this why I'd rather watch the person I care about through the glass - as hurtful as it may be - rather than travel and achieve? Do I favour heartbreak over success? Would I rather feel than to mindlessly do what's expected of me? What do I want?


- Bill John Maxwell

I want to let it all out but I can't cry. I'm fed up of being logical about this. I've fallen for someone who isn't interested. I need to get out of  here. The sooner the better. I have the means, but not the strength.

This is me

This is me. I change things about my physical appearance every month or so. I can be very lazy. I get drunk way too much. Most people think I'm someone I'm not. Usually, I wish everyone would see me as someone I'm not. I get bored with life easily. I'm always fearful, although I don't know what about. I love music, although I'm afraid to express myself musically. I over analyse. I sometimes don't get out of bed until 4pm. I sometimes don't sleep. I eat out more than I eat home meals. I rarely get ill. I'm self-conscious. I love expensive vanilla fudge. I think religion and any type of spiritualism are a waste of time and effort. My room is usually a complete mess. I'm existential. I feel like I can't repay other people's kind acts. I never know what to get people for birthdays/Christmas. I'm extremely emotional, although I don't show it. I get attached to people too quickly for my own good. I'm destructive. I leave most things unfinished. I never feel like I have anything interesting to say. I would say that I have very few friends. I like attention. I like those rare times when you can just be with someone you really like.

Honesty

My main problem with my knowledge of people, I've learned, is deeply connected with my desires. That is to say, I mentally blur the right answer in with the wrong answers when I am emotionally involved. I'll convince myself that the wrong answer is the right one, and dismiss the details which, in any regular situation, would lead me to prefer the answer that the details favour.

After re-evaluating my sense of reason and judgement worryingly recently, I've found that this detail of emotional involvement was over-looked. Usually, there's no emotional involvement in knowing something other than the passion for knowledge itself. So, do I avoid making judgements in these unusual circumstances? Or do I re-evaluate and carry on? Something tells me that, no matter what is more sensible, I'll more than likely just carry on in the hope that I'm better prepared in future.


I've also decided to stay out of trouble for a while. It's time for some personal development rather than focusing on others as much as I have been. I've set myself some tasks to keep me entertained
- Learn to Lucid Dream properly
- Finish TEFL (necessity, but it makes the list look longer)
- Read the entire works of Plato (rather than scanning it because it's too long and having the secure knowledge that no one else has read them anyway)
Hopefully, by the time I've finished this phase, I'll safely be able to walk around the island thinking I'm the brain of the island... I also want a tattoo.